The Circus Comes To The Continent

The  Cricket World Cup in 2011 is coming to India, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. So from Kashmir to whatever it is beyond Kanyakumari everyone is super excited, here’s how the World Cup affected the people in this country and beyond.

Every major magazine, or TV, or website is asking for predictions on who will win the world cup this year. One of my friend from Patna recently told me about a goat that predicts Which team will win a match. Last Saturday, it predicted the local Galli Cricket Match between Gullu’s and Bittu’s team. Both of them wrote their team’s name down on the road and gave Hasmukh ( the goat) something to eat, and then as the match was in progress, the goat Crapped on the name of Bittu’s team.  Believe it or not Bittu’s team won as Rajan, the MLA’s kid beat the shit out of Gullu as he hit the ball for a six, and it fell on Rajan’s head. The match was automatically forwarded to Bittu, as he danced away to glory with a bhojpuri song in the backdrop. And we found Our New Hero, after Octopus Paul (O,P) we found Goat Hasmukh (G,H) to lead us through the unknown…

 

With the World Cup Going On, security is a big concern. But the Kochi IPL franchise has out an end to the worries of the Cricketing authorities by offering their whole IPL team to perform security measures. In fact, it was only the reason behind naming their team the “INDI COMMANDOS” , stating that they provide commando class security…. Pamphlets with the image Below On them were recovered from the streets of Kochi.

However, deals are not yet Finalized with the IPL team for security concerns. This Business of the IPL team raises serious eyebrows on money Laundering Issue.

 

In other news, Eden Gardens were Deprived of hosting the only Indian match in the City of Kolkata. However to boost Income rates, CAB has planned on hosting a match on the same day with Sourav Ganguly in it. That is gonna be a match between the Bengal Ranji Team and the Tollywood actors, who for a lot of years had nothing to do except going to events.  Tapas Pal, a popular Bengali Film Actor has Told us that Dada would be seen spinning his shirt around once again as that will draw more crowd into Eden Gardens.

 

However, ICC has other tactics, according to calculations by Hasmukh, the Goat, the final match will be interfered by the Mumbai underworld mafias and will be later declared as a rigged match. However when we asked Munna Bhai to Comment on it, he instantly denied everything. He said and I quote “Underworld Loves Cricket, we won’t do anything like that. Besides  we are smart criminals, we would never bet on a cricket match with this much high attention, we would rather bet on that Bengal match organised by CAB.”

On the Entertainment front, Sonu Nigam sounded exciting at the opening Ceremony, as his thrilling voice left everyone wondering about his Gender. Rakhi Sawant was also approached to do a dance item in the opening ceremony, but she turned down the offer in view of the latest TV ad of Tata Sky, that made her aware that Bablu Can see from 4 different angles. At the opening Ceremony however, South India was represented by one of those God awful songs and for this very reason the classical Karnatic Musicians organized a protest against that lady who gave Bablu all the angles to look at while dancing.

According to media Reports, the most sold jersey is the Indian Jersey with Harbhajan’s name on it. Australian nationals were seen buying all of them on a future plan to go back and tell their grandsons that they killed Harbhajan while they were in India and as proof brought his Jersey.

Varanasi is crowded up and everybody is praying for Sachin and organizing Pujas. Sachin  asked them to Organize a Pindi for him while they are at it. The charges for the priest have gone incredibly high. It is highly unsuitable time for your hindu rituals, for you might have to pay triple for it.

In the end, everyone is waiting for India’s night at the finals in Mumbai. That ought to be India’s night, cause with Sharad Pawar in a Powerful seat in ICC, and the world cup in India, it would be a riot otherwise.

P.S. All this stated above is pure Bullshit, which replicates the Desi Pagalpanti for Cricket World Cup! 🙂 It has sarcastic similarities to the truth.

No, We Can’t

This Diwali a hurricane is gonna hit the Mumbai city, and the predictions are that this is the Longest visit of a hurricane like this. The Hurricane is none other than Mr. President Obama Bin Laden, the second powerful man in the world. The first would be Osama Bin Laden, his long lost brother in Kumbh ka mela with whom Mr. Obama Bin Laden hasn’t got a chance to meet yet, although he’s curious to meet him. Due to the growing sources of mine in the political carrier a friend of mine has supplied me full interview of him and Mr. Obama Bin Laden. Here’s how it went-

Q. Hey Mr. Obama, in a few days you will be in India to celebrate the Diwali, how do you feel about it?

Yes, in a few days I’ll be visiting the land of the intelligent people. I am feeling pretty happy about it. Actually India and America have a deep rooted relation, that’s deeply rooted into both of our cultures. We are suckers for their culture and they are suckers for our culture. So we both benefit from each other. And this time around I would like to visit the ground of Kumbh ka Mela where me and my brother from another mother Mr. Osama Bin Laden were separated.

Q. Now, I am curious what did you mean by intelligent people?

Don’t you know that half of my country is running on Indian intelligence. Since the alcohol and ample amount of sex has made our brain sloth like a lazy monkey….it is your magic turmeric spices that are still supplying intelligence to your brains, and being the largest economy with fat brains we are buying you people for cheaper price.

Q. Okay, Mr Obama .. I understand that you have a misconception about the spices of our country. Turmeric doesn’t really help brains to be intelligent.

What? You are questioning my intelligence? I know all about your country and its spices. And I know your one little secret too about how you get all those turbans. Anyone could have guessed that if you meditate the Om Mantra and say Namaste long enough a turban will automatically grow on your head. I even had Baba Ramev’s churan the last time I was sick, and I know everything he puts there, and turmeric is the basic thing in those. That has made me quite intelligent, and now I’m able to understand what’s really gonna happen in this world.

Q. I’m sure that Om mantra makes you grow turbans but Can we get an explanation of  your realization for the readers?

No, We can’t.

Q. I’m sorry… Can you not explain?

No idiot, that’s the tag phrase for the elections in November. How can you be an Indian and still be an Idiot? Don’t you eat turmeric?

Q. Actually I don’t have too much turmeric…but why this catch phrase.. why the full 180 degree change in tagline?

A year ago I thought I could change the world and then after having Ramdeb Baba’s churan for full 12 months I have come to realise that this world is a perfect place and it should be as it is now. All the third world countries with oil sources will be in our control and our oil sources will be secured. We should aid Pakistan more and more so we get a chance to visit Afghanistan more and more and destroy the country in search of Talibans who we ourselves had provoked one day. And I would get peace prizes by Nobel committee for doing nothing at all. That is our Destiny. So NO, WE CAN’T Change what’s happening.

Q. So that’s the view of Afghanistan and Pakistan, what do you people have in Store for India and China?

Both India and China are growing economy, I sure hope they will just be talking and raising fingers as long as Big Daddy Obama’s nation is the most powerful one. So as a mature country we’ll let them talk and talk and if they can’t solve it out we’ll take up the side of the country with lesser natural resources and destroy the other and take over the country with more natural resources.

Q. Well, now we are a bit frightened…

I assure you I’m the biggest cracker Indians are gonna See this Diwali.

Q. Anything else you wanna say to the readers?

Yes, stay hungry and intelligent like Indians should be. And come to USA just to be bought cheaper and used for the purpose of making us stronger. Eat a lot of turmeric and remember there’s really nothing you can do about your destiny.

And that’s how it ends.

P.S This is an imaginary dialogue between two imaginary persons. Any similarity between two characters are purely co-incidental or effect of bollywood films.

Have a Happy Diwali Mumbai!