Her Higness Arrives (*pa pa ra pa ppa*)

In the kingdom of all stupid people, accidentally came a girl. Conquered the land with her wits and ever clever endeavors. And her highness shall reign these barren stupid lands till the day we all become smart. (That’s like a million light years in stupid time) (1 min of which is equal to 5 mins of real time.)

Jokes Apart, We’ve got a new visitor, a new writer, contributor, suggestion giver and a very wise person.

Please Welcome, my friend, Sudeshna Mukhopadhyay as she will be joining the blog from today and make it alive and aloud again. Let stupidity prevail.

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Roadies Day Out (Roadies 9 Kolkata Auditions)

Stupid people stick their tongues everywhere and get stuck on ice. I got to stick my nose on to something cooler than ice and hotter than the soup that’s still in the making. I am of course talking about the MTV Hero Roadies Kolkata auditions organized at Swabhumi, Kolkata.

As we all know, auditions in reality shows are pretty boring with big queues to go everywhere, drink water, or sign up on facebook! Everything is so damn crowded, but this was no singing talent show mockery, there were no bullshit drama involved and so I breathed relief into myself.

I act weird around people when they aspire to be a roadie, I go on asking stupid stuff and spotting people who look exactly like Raghu and take awesome interviews! (not awesome at all on my part)

Anyhow, in the meanwhile we were pretty excited to see the press pass, and we laughed at each other saying we are gonna roam around like VIPs while dudes with 10 inch steroid fed muscles and a million dollar bank balance are gonna get nervous and sweaty!

All in all the place was crazy, and jumping and pumping, while people in the auditorium were sitting and waiting for their GDs , people were having fun too where a lot of activities like dancing and stuff was happening… but that hardly impresses right, I mean we came for Raghu, Rajiv and Rannvijay right.

Then Suddenly Gayatri from MTV called me up and asked us to meet the great trio and Bani J in the production room! That was the moment of the day when we got into the production room. Every room that allows privacy seems like backstage now! And we soon got over the starstruck thing, and Bani J told me she liked my T-shirt! ūüôā I should have asked her to go shopping with me! But well, nevertheless I confirmed that I saw Rannvijay in Pune, while I was roaming aimlessly on the streets.

Then the focus shifted to Raajiv when he was taking about his blogs, and asked us to go read it sometimes! I probably would but then again I would never tell anyone that I read that!

After all that was over, we hung around a little bit longer observing big lines in GD rooms and frowny faces, and people talking shit about things they don’t know about. Frankly I met a lot of people there who were crazy and outta their freaking heads! But I guess that’s how roadies is …..crazy and outta the box you can handle!

While I was leaving the building I already made friends with people I barely know. And most importantly Had been to an event millions of youngsters dream to be a part of . It felt awesome. Lemme leave you with some awesome pics of the event.

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The North And The South and The East

We Bongs have decided on Something, We’ll call a strike for 48 hours (just before the weekend, so we’d get 4 free days) for not involving Bongs in one of the most trending twitter topics at this Moment. “Cholche Na ….Cholbe Na”.. (everybody joins in On the Chorus)

I recently read the #openletter and some quick witted replies to that, and I was sad. Not because everything that has been happening around Delhi, yes I was bothered a little, but the facts that needs much more attention is that we Bongs had no part playing in this epic India wide melodrama where almost every city was  involved. Bangalore, Mumbai was up for consideration while we sat on the couch licking Mishti Doi from the earthy container called Bhar!

Here’s what worse, we bongs don’t do anything anymore, we dont ask people out, bengali girls being too beautiful for their male counterparts ask the millionaire marwari guy with SUVs and Ninjas to have a coffee with them, while the male population of her age waste their time on studying… yet somehow they fall behind their Bihar/UP counterparts in¬† the race to IITs and IIMs.

While the failed scientists cramp up¬† government offices, the arts students of the city gather around Nandan and smoke weird stuff and suddenly complete a crash course on direction and wait for their Mumbai based Actress friend’s call to direct an advertisement for her.

We laugh on both Rajnikanth Jokes and Santa Banta forwarded texts and flatter our wits dipping our fingers in Rosogollas. We hit on girls sitting on a wooden bench in the local tea shop..sipping the ever so refreshing merged down and water added form of Darjeeling tea. And whenever someone comes forward the gang that was making comments flee like fallen soldiers in a warfare leaving only one absent minded friend behind to take all the blame and bow his head in shame.

Oh and racism, we have dark skinned fair skinned and chocolate skinned and vanilla skinned people all around! We do experiments on the dark skinned people by putting them in a room with no light bulbs and make them smile and check if their teeth gets any reflection. We spot hippies on Park Street and play the Guessing game on how much high they are ..and how many pots they have smoked!

And as per the English speaking Bengali community…. we add an O to everything and yet be proud of it, cause it adds a little cuteness to such a sharp language.

And don’t worry, if you¬† crank up a million jokes on us after reading this, we’ll not come back hard at ya, cause muscles and gym are not our thing… we take pride on the muffin top and savor it as an asset… so we’d work some stupid jokes up there and fill it with adequate amount of sarcasm and present it to you in the form of revenge!

Every story has an ending…. and every article must have a punch line… here’s what I think.. I think that this whole open letter thing was just a hype to increase the book sales of “2 states” by Chetan Bhagat. (nobody asked for my opinion anyway) Besides we have lots of Puja work to do, Durga puja is not so far away. (Again four days of fun laughter and hitting on girls in a decent way. )

Its What You Do, Not What You Have

Whenever it rains here in Kolkata, you can see some strange things… You’ll see people running around and finding a shelter from it (this applies specially for office goers) , and you’ll see nut-jobs like us trying to get drenched and fully appreciate it. Rains here brings out the best of the city.

That too was a rainy day, and I just bought all my books for the semester and was trying to make my way through sheds, trying hardly not to get a drop on my bag. If you stand under an Old building for too long, stuck in rain.. you start noticing the small things like the scent that comes out from old concrete when it rains.

Anyhow I managed to get to the central station without getting all drenched up in the end. The metro would be a safer place now for quite some time as I make my Journey back home. When I finally caught a train my ever wandering eyes found its way through the next compartment, and I saw her getting ready to get off the train at the next station. I was wondering if she saw me. If she did, she definitely would not want to get off. But I chose to stay unnoticed.

Once, she was my only companion while I roamed the city streets. She was a confused and gorgeous 20 something bloke from Brussels, Belgium when she came in the city first. Our unusual introduction happened at a city mall while I was cracking non-veg jokes on my fellow nut-jobs (read friends). Her name was Caroline Delattre and she never wanted to come to this City, she badly wanted a trip to New York but dissatisfied with her parents (like each one of us) who wanted to see India, was stuck in an old city in east India.

But somewhere India, rather this city made a huge impact on that girl… In the few weeks she was scheduled to stay she tagged along everywhere we hung out, she became an¬†inseparable¬†part of the group. And when her parents chose to leave the city, she chose to stay with one of her friends.¬†Every time¬†an adda session in the mall ended, everyone used to go home and both of us needed to go via metro, so we tagged together.

I used to wonder why she talks so much about the children she saw roaming around the city, she complained about why the city is not taking the responsibility of them, she said she had seen nothing like this, she wanted to know where the closest church was, and wanted to see if they would accept the children as the Children of God.

I told her to stop worrying so much, there are NGOs working and Mother Teresa’s Organisation has done a hefty bit to the city. In a few years these problems will be solved. In our way back we made a few tiny surprise trips to the parts of the city she had never seen, I’d show her around, and I’d observe how she observed the people in the city closely.

A couple months after our semester started, and we stopped hanging out regularly, she called me one night. She said she had plans for the¬†development¬†of Kolkata… She had managed some funds back from Belgium and was arranging a fund raiser to construct an organisation that would help the children by educating them,¬†preparing homes for them, they would also look for people wanting to adopt these children. She asked me to join in and help her at the fundraiser, and if I liked it, I could stay and help her with the NGO.¬†On the other hand I was opting for a¬†carrier¬†as an engineer, so I was certain that I could not Join the NGO for life, but I did want to help her at the fundraiser.

That night I kept on thinking, why did she need to take such a drastic step, the funds she managed to make back home was safely deposited for her Post graduate education which she never wanted. She wanted a trip to New York, she never got a chance to go there, instead she decided to stay in an unknown city, working free and voluntarily for some unknown people, and she gained the most respect I ever gave to anyone. Its our city she was working with, and we were the ones thinking about our carriers, not her.
When @Indiblogger introduced this Yahoo! Dove Real Beauty contest, by Yahoo Real Beauty , the only person I could think of was her, cause if beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, then in my view no one can be as beautiful as Caroline. I remember every beauty contest, the contestants talk about organizing world peace, and we laugh, cause those who really work for the peace and harmony in this world, people like Caroline, they would never find themselves in the spotlight, and those who are  in the Spot light  are of course looking for a Bollywood entry, nothing more.

Summer To-Do List

Its been a year since I got admitted in the stupid engineering college of ours. And although life has been a living hell since and everything went upside down.. I still managed to Stay and spend a year in that God Forsaken place. ¬†And Finally got a break from studies… and I now have 2 months of summer in front of me, ¬†where the clocks stopped working. Who said You can’t make time stop…. If you are free and not bound by any sort of chains.. Time Stops and you can make it by doing anything you want. Hence now I want to make a list of things that I Want to do in the next few months….

 

1. Ditch the Kid I’ve been tutoring.. The Only chain that’s still hanging.

2. Get new strings for the guitar.

3. Join The SUMMER JAM at a friend’s place.

4. Update the playlist of the Ipod.

5. Pack for Pune.

6. Get Metallica Concert Tickets.

7. Stop arguing with Mom.

8. Stop eating too much.

9. Get to the Ground again.

10. Drink Loads o’ Beer.

11. Will not deny the High expectation.

12. Learn how to host a site without loosing a penny.

13. Enter the new Blogging Contest @ IndiBlogger.

14. Scream in Pune Hard Rock Cafe.

15. Record a First ever Song.

16. Be Rude to some People.

17. Watch TV and fall asleep watching.

18. Poke a MANU fan about the Barca game and eat his brain out.

19. Continue with a story called 29 Nights.

20. Buy Specs that don’t match my look and yet make it look like I’m pulling it off. ūüėÄ

A thousand more wishes wont fit in here.. besides… I dont wanna use the desktop anymore. Soon am gonna be the owner Of a New Laptop… so will only Blog From the new Laptop now…. And am impatiently waiting for the day!

The Circus Comes To The Continent

The¬† Cricket World Cup in 2011 is coming to India, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. So from Kashmir to whatever it is beyond Kanyakumari everyone is super excited, here’s how the World Cup affected the people in this country and beyond.

Every major magazine, or TV, or website is asking for predictions on who will win the world cup this year. One of my friend from Patna recently told me about a goat that predicts Which team will win a match. Last Saturday, it predicted the local Galli Cricket Match between Gullu’s and Bittu’s team. Both of them wrote their team’s name down on the road and gave Hasmukh ( the goat) something to eat, and then as the match was in progress, the goat Crapped on the name of Bittu’s team.¬† Believe it or not Bittu’s team won as Rajan, the MLA’s kid beat the shit out of Gullu as he hit the ball for a six, and it fell on Rajan’s head. The match was automatically forwarded to Bittu, as he danced away to glory with a bhojpuri song in the backdrop. And we found Our New Hero, after Octopus Paul (O,P) we found Goat Hasmukh (G,H) to lead us through the unknown…

 

With the World Cup Going On, security is a big concern. But the Kochi IPL franchise has out an end to the worries of the Cricketing authorities by offering their whole IPL team to perform security measures. In fact, it was only the reason behind naming their team the “INDI COMMANDOS” , stating that they provide commando class security…. Pamphlets with the image Below On them were recovered from the streets of Kochi.

However, deals are not yet Finalized with the IPL team for security concerns. This Business of the IPL team raises serious eyebrows on money Laundering Issue.

 

In other news, Eden Gardens were Deprived of hosting the only Indian match in the City of Kolkata. However to boost Income rates, CAB has planned on hosting a match on the same day with Sourav Ganguly in it. That is gonna be a match between the Bengal Ranji Team and the Tollywood actors, who for a lot of years had nothing to do except going to events.  Tapas Pal, a popular Bengali Film Actor has Told us that Dada would be seen spinning his shirt around once again as that will draw more crowd into Eden Gardens.

 

However, ICC has other tactics, according to calculations by Hasmukh, the Goat, the final match will be interfered by the Mumbai underworld mafias and will be later declared as a rigged match. However when we asked Munna Bhai to Comment on it, he instantly denied everything. He said and I quote “Underworld Loves Cricket, we won’t do anything like that. Besides¬† we are smart criminals, we would never bet on a cricket match with this much high attention, we would rather bet on that Bengal match organised by CAB.”

On the Entertainment front, Sonu Nigam sounded exciting at the opening Ceremony, as his thrilling voice left everyone wondering about his Gender. Rakhi Sawant was also approached to do a dance item in the opening ceremony, but she turned down the offer in view of the latest TV ad of Tata Sky, that made her aware that Bablu Can see from 4 different angles. At the opening Ceremony however, South India was represented by one of those God awful songs and for this very reason the classical Karnatic Musicians organized a protest against that lady who gave Bablu all the angles to look at while dancing.

According to media Reports, the most sold jersey is the Indian Jersey with Harbhajan’s name on it. Australian nationals were seen buying all of them on a future plan to go back and tell their grandsons that they killed Harbhajan while they were in India and as proof brought his Jersey.

Varanasi is crowded up and everybody is praying for Sachin and organizing Pujas. Sachin  asked them to Organize a Pindi for him while they are at it. The charges for the priest have gone incredibly high. It is highly unsuitable time for your hindu rituals, for you might have to pay triple for it.

In the end, everyone is waiting for India’s night at the finals in Mumbai. That ought to be India’s night, cause with Sharad Pawar in a Powerful seat in ICC, and the world cup in India, it would be a riot otherwise.

P.S. All this stated above is pure Bullshit, which replicates the Desi Pagalpanti for Cricket World Cup! ūüôā It has sarcastic similarities to the truth.

iCorrupt

Originally written for the February Edition of Epigram Magazine, this post is the raw version, which was not edited.

Criminal minds believe in one rule and one rule only, that Stealing is an art as long as you dont get caught. That implies on school kids too who cheat their way through good results in exams.

Corrupts and Criminals are just brothers from different mothers. Criminals and school kids believe in one rule, but corrupts dont even have one. Cause the Job they do involves face to face transactions, so that leaves enough evidence to be caught. So their only options left is protection. Protection from people who seek the truth, and want to know what is going on Under the the Table.

Grrrr! The Stupid people who are just jealous of the government post the Corrupt Politician/ Govt. employee got and they just want their hands on the post.

Men will be Men, and people will be people. So when one corrupt politician goes another one comes to the same position to suck on some more of Common Wealth.

Now,I just said Common Wealth, didnt I? Well, it was just because yeah you know, the man who used all the Common mans wealth for 1000 bucks worth of toilet paper rolls.

Do you know that Suresh Kalmadi must have taken advice from KRK on how to use expensive things, since his milk comes from China or whatever. Actually India never had this much amount of money to spend in some event. Indian politicians so had their only chance to make it officially a corrupt CWG games. Even Wikipedia has Corruption Charges in their official page for the 2010 CWG games.

Now, you use 1000 bucks of toilet paper for a game village which is worth nothing. The poor condition of the games village was to show the athletes that Indian people live in these types of poor conditions. Just to make them feel a little bit at India. You can not blame Kalmadi for that, No Sir!  He just wanted them to feel the essence of India.

Im sure you have heard enough of the CWG scams by now, with Arnab from Times Now screaming his lungs out for every cause he can find. The updated version of the annoying Aaj Tak is what you can call them. Anyways they told us about some other things also, the sweet Handset you are using worth some thousand bucks, that did not come free also. Apparently A.Raja took a lot of money for giving 2G spectrum licenses.

Do you know how many Zeros are there in 1.76 Lakh Crore Rupees? I was weak at maths, but A.Raja must have been very good at maths to launder an amount that big.

I want to ask Abhishek Bachhan one thing, How much did the IDEA people pay for the 2G spectrum license and in my dreams I imagine him giving the answer – No Idea. And then with an usual grin on my face I would say – Then Get Idea.

Oh, and do you watch TV, no not the NEWS… the real stuff, the IPLs and all…if you do, you would know about Lalit Modi and know how he gained from the most entertaining sports event in India.

Well, the big boys will be big boys, but what about the small fishes that swim in the ocean and get forgotten. Like your local traffic police, who collects the funding for his late night parties by collecting bribes from the trucks and eventually getting the roads jammed.

The Biker boys you see hanging in front of the alley, they know how much a traffic police will take (not fine) for not wearing helmets or rough driving. They can tell by the faces, they would not spend 100 rs. for a settlement that can be achieved for a lousy 50.

After all bribes and corruption is an art also, and this art involves higher levels of intelligence and risks. These biker boys have mastered the art of corruption and so did government employees. Treaties are inside Indian blood, if you look at history our independence was conditional,  a treaty perhaps, an adjustment for better standards of living. From that moment on we are adjusting to the circumstances. Be it under-wears or seats in local trains or long traffic Jams in Delhi, we are still adjusting. So in a few decades we will also adjust to the corruption, after all its the settlement, which is the quickest process to avoid harassment.

With the government in hand, Big Boys like A.Raja and Kalmadi bhai raised the bar for corruption in India. It has eventualy become a billion Dollar industry. I just wish they had more of Russian Mobsters looks, which would help us identify the villains industrialists of the nation.

And no, sipping Tata Tea would not help you get corruption off India if that is what you are thinking. Drinking Tata tea will just make the pockets of Ratan Tata heavier. And why would you think about getting corruption off India? It is the industry our country is being built upon. Give peace a chance and the mango people will digest the whole thing in a decade or so. Till then, well just to show off, lets have the Tata Tea that is after all getting cold.