The Beer Belly

“What a douche!”

“Who? That Guy?”

“Yes… Why the hell else would he have painted half the face of a lady in this painting?”

“Well…the other half is to provoke your imagination.”

“I imagine the other half to look like Aishwarya Rai Bachhan…would it make sense?”

“Now why would you imagine that?”

“That’s a personal question… I’m not obliged to answer it.”

“Please Don’t answer anything at all for some time.”

It was a disaster bringing Rahul to the art exhibition. I mean what was I thinking. Oh, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking of the big after-party he promised to throw because everything worked out between him and his girlfriend after a long hard phrase. When, each one of his friends, including me were very supportive.Β  I donno…but he thinks we all showed him great support by telling him each time that he doesn’t love the girl, and that she’s hanging him by the hook. I hope in some magical and unreasonable way it helped them overcome their problems. I mean I don’t have anything against the girl, but anyone who interrupts our party and takes one of our friends with her….has to be taught a lesson some way.

There you go, I justified our actions…better than the noble committee can justify giving OBAMA a pe ace prize.

Well, in any case it was time for another party…and Rahul’s girlfriend can not crash this one. Its super secret. Vicky had something to do that afternoon…(probably he couldn’t complete another GTA mission) .. so he said he’d come straight to Aqua to meet us.

Now the point to be noted exclusively is both Vicky and Rahul had girlfriends. Despite their hideous nature and lousy behavior.. they had someone to hold onto when they were drowning. I was the only single guy, with two guy friends, with an immense fear that I’m gonna be bald one day.

So there were some reasons behind my desperation of finding a girl to hold on to. First I knew somehow I was gonna be bald. (My dad went bald, my grandpa was could I be an exception?) And Second, the most relevant term in this story that I’m gonna tell…is I knew I was surely gonna have a beer belly with all the beer consumptions increasing with respect to time everyday. And if magically these two effects combine, I’m sure I will have almost no chance to convince a decent girl to marry me. After all I was reaching 30 in a few days.

But who was I fooling….. I was never gonna get a normal life with a girl in it. I guess it was time for me to blow up my beer belly that I suspect has already started to appear , a little more.

So as everything passes… the exhibition too ended..and we sat out on our usual Saturday night hangout, the Aqua. Me and Rahul sat down… and had a couple of whiskey shots till Vicky came. Vicky was not alone, he brought his girlfriend with him. I was devastated, the last thing I wanted to see is a couple sitting right beside of me, having fun and me being jealous of them. Well, what do ya know…just when I was giving up my hope…she walked in with a white dress as red as the burning sun. My breath got stuck for a moment. Then, after I learned how to breathe again..I was sure to go talk to her.

And I walked towards her as a new pick up line popped in my head every second and got scratched for being too cliched. Then I finally began the convo with a


“Hey”. She replied.

“Umm…. are you waiting for some one?”

“Actually yes but I don’t think he’s gonna come.”

And then followed a series of pretty boring convo in which I am sure that you folks would not be interested in. But to sum it up I would like to say she complimented me on how young I look despite my age by saying… “Wow, you look handsome for a 25 year old.”Β  (which is a number I unfortunately crossed as my age a long long ago.) I realized she was all into fancy cars and six packed guys.

So there I was being charmed with every moment I was spending with her…and there came the devil. Sourav a friend from the school, who hadn’t met me in years fortunately or unfortunately stepped foot in the bar. Without knowing where I was…what was I doing… he spotted me and was coming straight to me. I called up the waiter to hide my face. It was of no use. He found me. And started asking about where I was giving my 30th birthday party. He made sure he gets an invitation to the party whether or not I live or die on that blissful day. Eventually he asked me some questions about Jenna, my ex and asked about my secrets of keeping up such a good relationship for so long. I took his number up and promised that I will tell him the secret over phone.

While I was busy at making Sourav go away I noticed the waiter got his eyes all over my lady. Soon they were chatting over the menu…and he said about something special. Of course the guy was blessed with young age,a fit body and up to date looks, which pathetically I was not. But I not even for a minute suspected what happened next.

After Sourav I made the waiter go away too..and she suddenly said in disgust..

“Oh, please you just ruined a prefectly good conversation.”

“With that guy?”

“At least he looks like his age and doesn’t have a girlfriend.”

“How do you..”

“Oh… I heard what your friend was saying..”

“But let me explain…”

“Please, your less hair and beer belly explains a lot for you.”

She took her bag and walked away. I suspect she spend the rest of the night with that waiter who was drooling all over her. If curses could kill…. the waiter would have been dead by now.

So that’s the last day I had beer. Then I started looking for other alcoholic products. And fresh fishes in the sea. Cause you know… these beers… they make us vulnerable in the battle against each other to find a perfectly good partner.

Now you know the secret of my belly. And I dare you to tell the story to everyone. Curses will follow.

P.S All the writing above is a pure work of fiction. I never consumed alcohol. And I tell too many lies. But anyways, I’m not 30.


8 thoughts on “The Beer Belly

  1. Why ever do you need a girl who has only the waiter on mind?….keep searching I am sure there are enough “bakris” around the round bluish thing to fall for your ‘aged’ tales… πŸ˜‰
    A toast to not being bald yet….crazy but interesting…

    • @rek Well… That was a thought out comment. I see this type of specimen once in one year here! πŸ˜› Anyways..I’m sure there are bakris out there..but I like to eat Bakris..not make sweet love to them! Lol! Thnx for reading. And Hope I don’t turn 30 everrrrrrr!

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