How to disappear completely in times of trouble!

People have always wondered how the Warner Bros. cartoons disappear in a POOF! and they can’t, in times of trouble. Admit it, you’ve always wished you were the Road Runner, or if you are the Coyote type you’ll love it when I post about how to be a Super villain(it will be the next article). So, without further ado I’ll post 10 awesome ways to disappear!

1.The master of disappearing is the Chameleon, and you can’t deny that. So, according to the Collected Wisdom of the Fools org, the first requirement will be-

In order to disappear, you must appear the same as the background!

You must master the art of camouflage if you’ve got to disappear. Here’s an example.

How disappearing helps you!

Camouflage man helps foil a robbery plan!

2. Install jet propellers into your bags-

An easier way is just to fly away from any awkward situation, if you are in a mood to sleep with the Birds then you’ll just need two jet propellers rightfully installed in your backpack. The EVIL MASTERMINDS Inc. will be delighted to offer you the service,there’s a special discount if you can show how brutal you’ve been in any of the brutal video games available in the market!

In order to fully disappear, height can not be something you fear!

Here’s an example and how to picture:

man flying to the moon

3. How to disappear in a party-

This tip specifically helps you to go through the parties you have to attend because of your family but you really don’t want to attend. I guess you don’t need to figure it out, just be your charming avoiding self, who wears their Grammy’s Hand sewn old sweater and quietly sits in the corner, offering weird smiles to everyone!

If Your party needs you to disappear, your charisma must stay far from here!

there’s no special Youtube video lesson for this, here’ how it should go though :

4. The Disappearing Act-

This tip is only for the volunteers of the magic shows. When the stupid magician traps you inside a box and utters meaningless words like Abracadabra you have to master your kung fu techniques and kick the box’s behind, get out and run, and run like hell! Then when he tries to make you reappear, he’ll actually find you to be disappeared!

If Kung Fu is strong, disappearance will be Long!

Here’s a how to picture:

5. Be the cameraman of a NAT-GEO show:

As all the credits of most of the NAT GEO shows basically go to the narrator or the show hosts, you as a cameraman can roam through the jungles of Africa, dancing with the TRIBEStars you’ll be invisible as ever!

I’m sure I can’t give you an how to for this!

The Longer the lens, the more the disappearance!

6. The under the bed business-

People always try to hide under the bed for some reason or the other, you can be the same or you can behave like a ninja!

Step1: Build a doorway that leads to the ground floor from your first floor bedroom!

Step2 : When an evil spirit appears go under the bed and go to the ground floor! The evil spirit will have no idea where u went!

A well dug Hole, can save your Soul!

Here’s a how to picture:

7. Be the Drummer :
If you are a musician and you want to disappear even while you are amongst a cigarette smoking , heroin addicted crowd disappearance is easy. The high on life people will anyways won’t know what and who is in front of them, on top of that if you are the drummer of a band then the chances of you being famous is skinny and you being close to disappear is Large!

8. Dump your Job and become a Cab Driver:

As the Sherlock series has proved to you, the most invisible and hence invincible person amongst all general population are the cab drivers. Nobody notices them, while making love on the backseat or admiring the city’s architectural beauty!

9. Go to Japan, Buy an Invisibility Cloak:

10. Be an anonymous blogger:

Anonymous bloggers who use different names just for the sake of blogging are invisible and can be easily swept away from the face of the earth! Scared much?

Anyways, these secrets are all classified and shared with you because I don’t want to scam you like some internet company defrauded this poor guy!

Space-hiker’s Guide to Melbourne

Declaration: Before reading this and going into this think of yourself as a Space Hiker, i.e. someone who travels through space just as an observer of species. Just go along with it, hope you have a fun ride.

Day 1 :

To all the fellow Hikers reading this, hopefully this journal would be helpful enough for your future visits to the planet earth to explore and observe the habitat of humankind. For the sole purpose of observation of life in planet Earth, I chose a continent ( Australia) with a huge number of different life forms as opposed to anywhere in the world. When it came down to choosing a specific part of the continent, I chose the city Melbourne for it has a perfect mix up of humankind and their spirit, and we will surely be successful to capture their thought patterns and how they pursue daily life.

As of now, I’m on a thing that they call an “Aircraft” which by the looks of it flies faster than sound withing the earth’s atmosphere. I guess they are a little left behind in terms of technology, and I bet they still think light goes the fastest (wait till they see our “Aircraft”). Anyways, as the earthlings say it, “When in Rome… Do as the Romans do.” I’m expected to be arriving in Melbourne soon, I’ll continue the log after I reach there.

Day 2:

I have been here for one full day now, that consists of 12 hours of daylight and 12 hours of darkness, although it seems that the people here do not sleep, or I wonder when do they because whenever I am looking I am finding various activities going on down there. By far, my experience has been pleasant. I have explored a few parts of the city and I started from one of the most celebrated spots of the city, The Federation Square.

As you can see, that is a picture of what modern day architecture looks like on planet earth and it somewhat amazed even me, this architecture is so random yet so stable and is truly a wonder to us, its hard to believe that mankind has so much potential even though it has so less technology compared to us.

Then as I continued to roam around the city in vehicles called “Taxi” or “Cab”  I stumbled upon the part of the city where they keep variety of animal species found on earth in metallic cages. I was amazed to see half of my work was done, the place was called “The Melbourne Zoo”. As I gazed upon the different animals and noted down everything I saw, I was amazed to experience another phenomenon that is rare for us to see. I saw or rather heard an out of this galaxy communication system, that the people here call “Music” which was played in open air and everybody had a sense of synchronicity. Believe me or not, I felt like going along with it too. I did know about the zoo, but I never expected to experience live music there. We ought to have some of those in outer space. I’m putting up  a picture for everyone to drool on.

While returning to my temporary residence here in Melbourne  I had a craving for earthly cuisines and I was more than happy to find another mode of transport called “Tram” and I was amazed to see you can dine in there too. I looked outside and I could see that I could observe the city while eating , so the Tramcar Restaurant was pretty impressive too. Here’s a live picture :

Day 3:

I decided that I had enough of the city and people and now it was time to explore into some wildlife and see what the real nature of Melbourne and this continent had to offer. It was just a matter of time till I was directed to got to the Melbourne Aquarium and could see how life in earth underwater survives, and it was a mind blowing sight, I was learning so much about the earth that I felt really happy here. Then i headed out to Werribee Open Range Zoo where I could spot different animals in their habitats perfectly preserved and was able to note down important aspects of research. Here’s an image of the aforesaid aquarium :

While returning from the aforesaid places I decided to look for places like museums where they keep all the human history alive, I was able to only explore the Melbourne Museum that explained the heritage of the city, there were also museums like the Chinese Museum, Aviation Museum, Sports Museums etc. that are present in the city which offers a broad view of the people of Melbourne and the heritage if the communities. This was an inspiring trip.

Day 4:

Being the last day at Melbourne I decided to bring back memories from the city and the planet. So I went to the celebrated Queen Victoria Market to see the true multicultural essence of the city and bought some gifts of varied genres each a reminder to my experiences here. the people were lovely, the food was great, humankind has achieved so much in this short period of time that it amazed me. I was also moved by the behavior that they showed towards me. Although I was in disguise, it was pleasant to see the harmony that these species live in.

The shopping took away all the stamina I had for the day, I had to save up some for the next trip to some other galaxy, so at night I only stared out at the stars from the banks of Yarra river that reminded me I had other places to explore, more things to be amazed about every other day. My experience was great in this city and I think every space hiker should experience this city because it’s your time to visit Melbourne now and discover what other wonders the city holds.  Melbourne was great, but my work needs to go on, for the betterment of the Galaxy.

This Post was a part of It’s Your time to Visit MELBOURNE contest organised by Indiblogger and Tourism Victoria. For More information about the city of Melbourne and travelling there please click on this link : www.visitmelbourne.com/in.

Stupid Quotes :101

Save Pani, Eat Panipuri.

 

  • “Sometimes when you can’t see a light, know that GOD wasn’t using Duracell batteries”.
  • “A hungry man is someone who has played Angry birds all day long, and forgot to eat.”
  • “Charity begins at home, take ice cream for the charity.”
  • “Look before you trip.”

 

Thank you. These were all of our stupid quotes for today. Hope you enjoyed our session. Wait for a new session everyday. :)

Why Contests are Confusing (A stupid man’s guide to contests)

Contests and confusions both start with “C”. So what? There are near about 1,75,000 more things that starts with a c. Oh! was the number a little too big?

Myths that the contest organizers will tell you :

1. Content is King.

2. All you have to do is perform better and you could win.

3. It doesn’t matter how popular you are as long as you perform well.

Staying in the process for too long, I personally have experienced many things in this vast and corrupt country. From band competitions being rigged to blog competitions, everything is possible. Not that I am saying they are rigged, I am saying that is a possible factor.

There are often people confused about results of contests held in various places. Everybody deserves to win something. Those who didn’t even participate will have a feeling that if only he.she would have participated, he/she would have wrote the best effing thing the world has ever seen. And imagine the prize in their hands and go all rainbows and butterflies in the background.

Here’s where it gets tough for the organizers too :

1. Everybody wants to win.

2. Everybody wants to win….. Awesome prizes.

3. Everybody thinks they are deserving.( Even the guy who says “I is guitar”, must deserve something for knowing the words, I,is and guitar.)

4. Everybody applies to win, and the numbers ain’t small.

Hence, they need solutions. So in order to solve these problems the organizers come up with various ideas.

Solutions:

1. The one that’s most popular must have done something deserving to be popular. (even if it involves chatting up with the right people, and Amul Butterify them.)

2. The one that helps the business, generates most referrals, must be awarded something.

3. Hide a trick in the prizes to promote some other business, that way the sponsors can make money too. After all “Paise ke liye, Paise hi toh chahiye”.

So after all what is the stupid man supposed to believe?

1. Popularity is king. (Butter up and spread.)

2. Perform anything to please the heated mind (on which you can make an omlette) of the judges and you might manage to gain the prizes in the lower order.

3. You can never win anything, you can just pay taxes for the prizes which will not mean anything to you (that is if anyhow you manage to get some prize).

The Messiah :

And if there ever was Noah who built the arc, and if there existed a genie who helped Alladin in all sorts of way, you can always trust contests which are up for grabs at INDIBLOGGER. (Oh no! I am not amul butterifying them, just making a statement.) They have been the light at the end of a tunnel, and they are glowing brighter. Keep making such contests, and keep doing awsome judgements, I am proud to say you guys keep it real!

The Ultimate Family Moment (United around a box)

This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

Oh I remember it as if it was yesterday (though it really was yesterday) I had a terrific time with my family. I had to travel far and wide (from the first floor to the ground floor) to meet my family. We were all united in the couch for a rare (read daily) occasion of togetherness in front of our beloved idiot box (yes, I am talking about the DTH box, cause LCD TVs these days can be called anything but Boxes).

Mom was tired after a hard day in the office, and we all gathered to indulge in the sweet richness of the afternoon quota of Tata Tea. Nobody was moving around. The TV remote was doing what it does best, lying calmly in some corner of the couch which nobody notices and blending in the surroundings like a chameleon. So that in the time of need like this nobody would be able to find it.

Dad was calmly sitting looking at me and Didi while we looked at each other and had nothing to say to each other, instead we took another sip of the tea. Dad slowly moved his hand and discovered the remote under a cushion and turned the TV on. And some guy in the news channel was screaming about something that happened to a monkey in some zoo. (for a moment there I mistook the man for the monkey since he was screaming like one)

Didi shared another glance with me, I looked calm and relaxed because I knew as long as Dad was there nobody could get the remote from him. I took another sip, Mom opened the newspaper.

Soon Dad got tired of the TV and wanted to ditch the remote to go out, Dad was seriously seeing a lot of news since he retired last month, he had nothing else to do and he was turning out to be a genius at current events, which bothered me sometimes but that’s another story.

Anyhow me and Didi both exchanged killer looks and focused our eyes(by making them small like the Chinese people) on the remote solely. We watched the remote fall on the table in ultra slow motion and jumped for it as soon as it was placed on the tea table. Didi snatched it on a swift of her hands, my hands followed and the fact that I couldn’t get the remote before she did made me mourn like David Beckham when he missed the world cup penalty. Although I wasn’t ready to give up.

I warned her “Didi, give me the remote, I have a movie to watch! “

Didi replied  ” Nobody cares about your stupid movies, I’ve got a thing to watch myself. Why don’t you go study or something.”

Without wasting more time on unnecessary conversations I jumped on her like a WWE wrestler jumps from to top of a cage and tried to snatch the remote out of her hands. After all I couldn’t bear stupid soaps, Pirates Of the Caribbean was on, and I had to see the movie. But although I made such brave attempt like this, all my efforts failed as Didi held the remote higher than my reach.

In a desperate attempt to get me off of her she started what is called a cat-fight (thank God that she didn’t punch like a wrestler does) and within all the commotion raised a new hero who put an end to all the fighting and mischief.

Mom rose to the occasion and took the remote from us and said “Another fight huh! Go to your rooms. Oh and remember, since you fought, No dinner!! “

Mom was surfing the channels between soaps and news. I thought ” Why don’t moms watch IPL? If only my Mom would watch IPL I’d crown her coolest mom of the year everyday! “

Oh the agony of no dinner!!! It was 8.30 p,m and there was still no food.

Hell!!! what are we gonna do now, no food!!! Its like apocalypse on earth!!

Then me and did exchanged another look of immense hatred against each other and was fighting a battle over who has a meaner look that can kill.Mom was watching over both of us refraining us from the fight. Meanwhile dad called Mom. All we heard mom say on the phone was :

“Hello”

-

“As you wish.”

-

“They are punished.”

-

“I don’t know if its right, you always act this way.”

-

“okay.”

She hung up. Still unsure if we were getting food or only food for thought, who knew. The anger turned into sighs and sighs turned into hunger pangs and at about 10.30 dad entered the house with four packets of chilli chicken and fried rice.

Yay! Dinner!!

Long live dad!

And all of us went to bed like fallen soldiers.

Memories like these are made everyday but when we will be far away stuck in some “situation” we will remember these  moments, think about these times and wonder how easy we had it all. After all there is no such thing as a special memory, its always an usual one which turns into a special memory if it comes in touch of loneliness.

Picture courtesy : Cheeseburger.

10 ways To End Up In Jail

Breakin’ rocks in the hot sun
I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won

I needed the money ’cause I had none

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won


- Green Day

Did you hear this song by Green Day? How cool they seem about getting arrested! This is about that but just the funny side!

Since I had nothing good to do this noon I am posting something me and my Di have always thought about! We discuss these in times we have nothing else to do and wander around in our rooms poking each other and after we get tired of madness we stop and sit and discuss weird stuff, it gets pretty weird someday. Here’s an example :

I’m never too good at studies, not because I don’t have the brains, just because I don’t like the idea of being imprisoned by books for hours and hours! I don’t have any special talents too except playing guitar which my family does consider to be one of the worst things I can do a living with! They expect me to play it in a metro station! I’d only reach there! ( See how High Expectations!!)

Anyways Di was always curious How I’d end up in life, and the absolute practical solution is to end up in jail cause there I’d get food for free !!!  :P

So here are some Ways Di figured out :-

1. If I steal Someone Else’s very costly guitar that is worth thousands of dollars!

2. Hacking is also an option for me( even though I’d have to learn how to do it first)!

3. Di Says even If I don’t kill someone I’d just end up in jail for threatening people! ( I always Say “I’ll kill you!” to Di.)

4. If Di doesn’t marry soon enough who knows I might KILL her someday! :) *evil wink*

5. If I kill someone Indirectly; Di has a very good way to punish me! She’d suggest the judges to throw a rope around my neck while I’m running and then pull me across a high tree or rod or anything! Cowboy Style! That way they’d have hanged me indirectly! :P

6. Di would always write my name on her suicide note! :)

7. Hellooo Guitar= Sound Pollution = Complaints filed by neighbors = Jail

8. If Govt. decides to make stupidity a criminal offense! I’m safe till they replace all the ministers! :P

9. I’m gone if the government of West Bengal gets their hands on the last page of my exercise book, because I’ve drawn doodles which are far more funny than that professor did, who was arrested for drawing cartoons of Mamata Banerjee.

10. Last but not the least and most Importantly If I am arrested for any of the above stated reason and a cop comes and tries to capture me I’d rather give him a tight punch right at his face!! *dhishummm* At least I’d know they are not taking me in for just one reason! :P

P.S: All of this is just intended to be humor, I’d in no way hurt Di and she would not even dare to do that!!! :P

This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com in association with imlee.com

Spec-ta-Cooler

This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com brought to you by GKB Optical Sunglasses

There is no reason not to drink lemonades in these days just like there is no reason not wear cool shades. I really don’t know what’s the relation between lemons and glasses but I wrote it because both of them remind me of summer.

In the process of writing this post, I remember a balloon-walla at the famous Esplanade more of Kolkata selling balloons wearing heart shaped sunglasses. And I thought not everyone needs to use the aviators to sell themselves.

But I do remember the first time I saw the aviators in action. It was some old school Hollywood movie where a cop was chasing a criminal in a speeding car wearing the aviators. More than the speeding cars or the flying bullets the aviators impressed me. That does not necessarily mean that I have no testosterone or adrenaline whatever. (who cares about biology anyway!!)

The Look - Now if I am wearing aviators there are four things I absolutely need to match it. I’m gonna need  -

  1. A Royal Enfield/Harley Davidson
  2. A leather jacket.
  3. Jeans
  4. Leather half Gloves.

I know its a cliched look and what not, but I believe that the aviators were born for the road, the wind and the sun, and the road is where it shall belong to.

Even when I’m not wearing it , the aviators in my hand or pocket shall reflect a class of its own.

Here’s a view of the bad ass cop glasses and me

Then again, while its good to be on the road being wild and free and learning something every inch of the road, we all have to tell the stories we gather on the road. I believe there’s a storyteller in all of us, and that reminds me of how I first encountered my second favorite type of sunglasses, the wayfarers.

Remember how I was telling how everyone is a story teller, well these glasses were the all time company for one of the greatest storytellers of this century perhaps, Mr. Bob Dylan. I was just describing the road, the heat and every inch of black hard road, but Bob Dylan’s words will hit you more than the road can. The thin young man with the black square glasses inspired me and millions of other people worldwide, and while I am on stage telling my story, my life I wanna be just like him, at the least I can wear his glasses.

The Look - Again, I’ll need denims, a white T-shirt that says something abusive to institutionalism of the mind and my guitar.

My Storyteller look with a modern punch to the wayfarers:

Here’s the details of the glasses I used:

The first Glass is a Ray Ban Aviator :

RAY-BAN RB 8041

Frame Shape Aviator
Frame Material Titanium
Product Type Sunglass
Warranty 1 Year(s) Warranty
Frame Type Full
Frame Size 58
Frame Colour Gold , Gold
Lens Colour Green
Bridge/Vertical/Temple 14/50/125
Colour No. 001/51
Product code: RB375GL58
Size Eye Bridge VerticalB Temple
LG 58 14 50 125

The Second one is a Ray Ban Wayfarer, here’s the details :

RAY-BAN RB 4147

Frame Shape Wayfarer
Frame Material Shell
Product Type Sunglass
Warranty 1 Year(s) Warranty
Frame Type Full
Frame Size 60
Frame Colour Black , Black
Lens Colour Grey
Bridge/Vertical/Temple 15/47/145
Colour No. 601/32
Product code: RY39BL60
Size Eye Bridge VerticalB Temple
LG 60 15 47 145